Garden gnomes – A simple, cheeky figure with a large white beard and a red dunce cap. It’s as common a garden decoration as a bonsai tree or the grave of a cherished pet. So why was there a lynching of eleven garden gnomes by a French cult that would make Jim Jones cringe? Surely this was just the hyperactive agenda of a few rights activists or have we stumbled upon a major conspiracy?

 

The year is 1997 and the army of the Garden Gnome Liberation Front has captured the attention of the world media. This organisation believes that humans keeping gnomes against their will without pay is akin to slavery.  The GGLF’s radical ideology resulted in them committing the foulest of all crimes – kidnapping of 150 garden gnomes. Oh, the humanity!  Their most public demonstration was the aforementioned gnome hangings in the French city of Briey. A nearby note explained the reasons for this act of moral depravity – “When you read these few words we will no longer be part of your selfish world, where we serve merely as pretty decorations.”

 

You may be thinking – “1997? That’s old news.” Well, we here are always concerned about the delicate state of human/gnome relations and how a revolution could be upon us. The GGLF is long considered to have gone underground. Subversives involved in the Briey gnome massacre remain unaccounted for. We can’t rule out that there are not still active members of GGLF cells operating independently. They are out of the public eye and the garden gnome is now surfing a tidal wave of popularity. There is an estimated 25 million garden gnomes in Germany. That’s 25 million potentially indoctrinated gnomes in one country.

 

To help quell this possible insurgency, it is important to consider the gnome’s point of view. They are borne only for garden tending, some of them forced into striking obscene poses.  We can only surmise their thoughts as no gnomes were willing to give us an exclusive. But remember, loyal readers, next time you see a gnome in a garden centre, make sure you give it the care and attention as you would any family member. It may just save your life.